I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
