I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
