I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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