Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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