I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Hippo gnu deer
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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