Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
