you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
