I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
