she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
