On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
