A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Randomize
