Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
