I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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