Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
