my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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