I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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