he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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