We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
