you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
