Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
