I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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