Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
