She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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