I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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