I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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