I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
