the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Too much gin, very little bucket
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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