My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
high people should be assigned attendants
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
