I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
