i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Damn victory sex feels great
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
