I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
