At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
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