DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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