My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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