God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
