no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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