Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
