I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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