Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
