You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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