I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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