My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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