Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
