my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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