So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
