My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
