John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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