my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
