I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
