I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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