She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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