It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
