im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
