Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
