what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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