I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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