Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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