There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
