I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
