last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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