Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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