she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize