Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
