I smell stomach acid.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize