I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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